I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox