this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.