Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares