Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
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Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver