EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.