I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
You Might Also Like
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?