If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
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just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.