He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
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*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
normalize having existential bread
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.