The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Every photo I’m tagged in
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
#Caturday