If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
We need to put an American base on the sun
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is