asking santa clause for nudes
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[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
This could be us but you eatin’
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.