when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
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One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
A great tip. #CakeRex
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.