*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
This took me a second..
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.