sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
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snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.