Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning