Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
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That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase