Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
You Might Also Like
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Damn he played himself
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’