When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I’m sure it’s fine.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*looks at you in batman voice*