I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
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In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Sniffing the broccoli
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.