My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
every college guy’s fridge
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair