A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
You Might Also Like
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
WTF
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
@funTweeters
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.