A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
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ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.