A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Whoops
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids