Admin smashed it 😂
You Might Also Like
guilty
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.