(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Spider-cat: No One Home
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?