Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
awesome draft from months ago i just found
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*