Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
How funny!
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.