Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
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I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time