Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
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Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Why are bridges so flammable.