Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
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Social distancing in Australia:
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again