Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.