There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
You Might Also Like
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears