*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
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Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I had to Stop for this
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?