Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
You Might Also Like
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us