“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
handsome & gretel
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off