endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
How animals would run if they were human
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.