Every morn’ we drive by the same spot on I-85 and the smell makes my mouth water. Found out today. Purina dog food plant. 😭#WhosAGoodBoy?
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
also my go-to takeaway order
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.