Just disassembled my sandwich and put chips on it in the middle of a business meeting like a 9-year-old. A totally awesome 9-year-old.
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Pretty much. 🤣
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs