Has anyone successfully transferred a sleeping baby from a stroller to their crib? or y’all just put the whole stroller in the crib or what!? 😩 😩
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[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥