Me as a new parent: what the fuck
Me as a seasoned parent: what the fuck
You Might Also Like
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
first you must answer his riddles
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Awwwww shit.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed