Me: What should you do if you see smoke?
6-year-old: Ask what you’re cooking.
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i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
fourth time’s the charm
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!