Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me?
Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball.
Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.
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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
peep davidson
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!