My 8yo daughter is on a Yosemite Sam kick.
This morning, she saw me off by saying, “Have a good day, you no-good bushwhackin’ varmint!”
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My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used