the teacher asked my kindergartner what his favorite season was and he said “garlic salt”
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[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
i prefer mine room temperature.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.