14 year old girl who said Y’all in a tiktok: I am so sorry
Guy who was “Blackface Johnny” for Halloween in 2012: Does she really think that we’re just going to let this go
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An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?