A child brings so much joy to a parent’s life: their laughter, their smile, their Halloween candy
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.