a halloween love story:
my 4yo has been inexplicably carrying around a pumpkin seed, moving it from pocket to pocket of whatever he’s wearing all week. finally got it out of him that he got it from “lila” who said they would plant it together when they get married.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
