a kid had the audacity to reach into my candy bowl to get more after I’d already given him some so I reached into his bag and took my candy back
You Might Also Like
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Did…did a minotaur write this
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.