A real haunted house would have a bunch of kids following you around asking random questions and then asking why? right after you answer it, and toddlers randomly throwing tantrums.
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Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people