Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
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[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty